Chamomile Tea, My New Alcohol

So yesterday after looking for homes for hours with no sleep and no definite plans for a acquiring a roof over our head after July 31, I needed a drink. Not just any drink but the strongest thing I could find to take me away from all this, to escape into the abyss of not caring who or where I am.  I won't even go into the fact that due to some issues we are having I am prevented for putting in an offer on a home, but as it stands now, we have only 3 weeks to get out of this house. We are going to be street dwellers.

We found ourselves planning to shower at the health club and then sleep in the car. At least we have truck room and own a tent, so this is a plus. I said to my husband, "Remember that camping trip you wanted take?" I am exhausted, and disgusted, but still glad we sold our current home because it was time to do so. It was way too big for the 3 of us which will soon be the 2 of us. So, we will be going from 3700 square feet to around 2500 square feet which is plenty.

At any rate I ended up drinking half gallon of chamomile tea in order to get right.... and I must say there is just nothing chamomile and sleep won't cure. Of course by the 3rd cup I was feeling much calmer and the sharp edge on the tip of my last nerve was starting to become more diffuse and less sensitive. Of course when I woke up this morning I had the same problems but without the hangover!

Wish me luck............................%-)

Trying to relieve the pain....emotional self medication does not lead to serenity

They always say live in the moment to be truly happy.... At first this was particularly hard for me because I could not stop dwelling on yesterday and tomorrow. Sitting still and clearing your mind is so difficult. Finding a quiet spot in our lives is getting more difficult every day.  Have you ever tried to sit still and think about nothing, nothing at all?

Looking at a tree and realizing how beautiful it is with its branches blowing in the wind and the sun shining with all it's natural power and light is a complete miracle and we get to see it every day, unless of course you live in Alaska.  How do we get to that place in our minds where we can just stop and be still....and nothing can intrude and cause us pain?

I believe we all have things in our past, mistakes we have made, past hurts and trauma. Whether from a family member or something that we ourselves did to someone else that continues to crush us inside constantly and without any sign of mercy. Can we get a grip and somehow find away to stop thinking about that deed or trauma?  Forgiveness is forever sought.

Alcohol acts an anesthetic. For how long does it kill the pain? Does the pain not return upon awakening from a stupor followed by more pain from a throbbing maniacal headache that only time, sleep, water, and aspirin may cure?  I guess this pain takes our mind off the pain that caused us to drink in the first place. When one pain wears off, the next begins, and the anesthetic is again needed.  My, what an obnoxious circle.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

        

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

 

About My Sobriety

First I want to thank publicly all the people I have conversed with since this blog began. I have met several people that are on this journey. Some that just began living a sober life and some that are not yet ready to give up the drink completely. If you're are not ready to let go completely then it is a good thing that you are realizing you are not ready. I am not a psychologist but it is general knowledge that if you are not ready to quit drinking alcohol, you won't. I was ready and will never take another drink. Don't get me wrong, I tried to stop drinking several times and fell back into the hell hole repeatedly. I don't need alcohol to be happy and in fact it is a depressant. I remember times when I dealt with my problems by taking a drink. Ok so I'm depressed so I'll medicated myself with a depressant. What kind of sense does that make? NONE

 Sometimes now I just break out in laughter for no reason! My husband thinks I have a screw loose. hahahahah see?

Moving on....I implore you if you are reading this blog right now, I suspect you are concerned if not downright worried that you have a problem. I am going to start reviewing some books that I have read that made me really think about what was very gradually and unsuspecting creeping up on me. They will make you laugh, cry, and relate. Some of these autobiographies I have read are of hard core alcoholics that waited until they were near death before they took steps to save their own lives. Many were trying to kill the memory of a past trauma by killing brain cells, or sedating themselves. Some lost families, loved ones, and jobs. These are all things that start out with just a cocktail at the end of a long day.....Think about it. 

To the right of this blog there is a link called Great Sober reads. There are self help books but also there is a book by Augustan Burroughs that is a great read called, "Dry." It is a great book to start with. I recommend the audio book because he himself is that narrator and it adds a great personal touch. The Audible link is at the top of the page.